So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
