I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
