Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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