he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
