I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
