My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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