i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
