Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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