i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
