She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I need a beard to bite.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
