holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
pop tarts are not kleenex
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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