kristin has been a bad kristin
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
