having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
