I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
