My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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