this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
