if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You've changed since you got that strap on
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
