It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
