i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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