when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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