I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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