Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
