apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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