A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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