Kiss
Puke
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
