ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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