I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
