There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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