if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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