Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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