I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
