I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We have started to decorate penises.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
