yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
