Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
