Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
