Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
