I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
