I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
