i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
