Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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