I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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