I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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