new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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