What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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