This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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