My hand turned me down
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
