first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
