so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
