When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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