I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
