Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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