I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
