he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I want is dick and wine.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
