I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
