The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
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we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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