Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
