Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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