M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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