where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
