Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
