I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
