thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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