Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
